3.5 years done!

I am now officially halfway done with my 3rd year of medical school (assuming I passed this last test).
I leave tomorrow and will spend a few days with my parents in San Francisco, before returning home to enjoy the rest of my break. 2 weeks which surely will not be long enough.

So how does it feel to be a year and a half away from getting that degree? Great. It's been a long hard road. Medical school has been very different from what I expected. The material is not extremely difficult. It's the amount of material, it's the hours of work required, the mentally and emotionally draining part of it all that makes it so hard. Ironically, there is so much isolation and oftentimes selfishness that comes out of wanting to work with people and help people.

The Battle

I want to run, I want to hide Get me out of here Doesn't matter where - anywhere, but here Yet here I sit, here I stay My chosen path, I chose this way
Everyday I walk through this battleground
Rarely a moment to ever look around
One step at a time, an occasional misstep
A stumble or two
Down on my knees, I scream out
Muffled I must hide the pain
Silent streams of tears lost

When I signed up for this - I didn't realize the cost
It's all worth it - they say
I'm in so deep, no choice but to stay
Battle it out & rise above
It is not a war to win
But a compromise made
I am different and will be different still
When I walk off this battlefield
Scars and pieces of me lost
Tougher I will be, more jaded too
It's inevitable

Getting ready for x-mas

Lady at home anxiously awaiting my arrival.
One week until x-mas! Just wanted to remind you, in case you forgot!
Test tomorrow, California on Sunday!

life's little surprises

Some days life just likes to spice it up a bit and throw a surprise your way. These little surprises are never quite what you expected and somehow even if you had an inkling they were coming - they still can hit you like a wave of happiness/joy or knock you down like a ton of bricks. Life's little surprises aren't always good. It's times like these when your not exactly sure what to feel, or maybe you don't even know how to feel.

Today I had one of those surprises that hits you like a ton of bricks, even though I knew it would happen at some point. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel. So I decided to just let myself feel - let the emotions take their course. Naturally, I tried to rationalize some and tell myself it will be ok. And it will - it always is. I was a bum today, unsure of how to feel, how to react, or how to behave. I guess that's ok. It's all part of growing up. New experiences, new emotions. In a way you could say I'm lucky to have the opportunity to feel this and experience this - whatever it is.
It's days like these when I wish my best friends were right here to sit with me and just be together. Words don't necessarily need to be shared, but just being together. Knowing that other person is there and doesn't care that I don't know how to feel, or act.
Once again thank you to the technology of the cell phone - friends and family are just a fingertip away.

Here's to life's little surprises and me growing up just a little bit more today.

Gyn Surgery

Oh my! Can you believe Christmas is right around the corner (12 days). I still feel there is still so much to do! Only a few more days working in the ob/gyn clinic before taking my exam and then finally getting to fly back to Cali! Yeaaaahhhhh can't wait.

The last couple of days I have spent observing gyn surgery. I've seen quite a few hysterectomies. They can do them vaginally, laproscopically, or open (transabdominally). Laproscopic surgery is when they place 3 ports in your stomach - 1 in your belly button (camera) and 2 laterally. They puff your abdomen up with air so they are able to see and move around once inside. Then the other 2 ports are used for various tools to remove pieces, etc. It's really interesting to see a person's anatomy that way - relatively undisturbed.
Something I found surprising was that a normal sized uterus is smaller than I thought - probably about the size of a 3-4 inch apple maybe. Not as big as one would expect. And it's an amazing organ, especially after you think about how large it must become to accomodate a baby!

I thought there was a possibility of me really enjoying surgery, because I really enjoyed dissecting in anatomy. The human body truly is amazing. It fascinates me to dissect and see how all the different parts fit together, work together, and how it appears so seamless. If you gave me a chance to dissect another cadaver (without all the studying and stress that goes with anatomy) I would probably jump at the opportunity. But...not so sure surgery is for me. Don't get me wrong - I think it is truly astounding what is being done in some of the operating rooms today. But I just don't think I want to be the one doing it. A general surery residency is way too long for meand I want a life. As a gynecologist - your surgeries are all about the va-jay jay and it's friends. Not so sure I really want to have my head stuck in a woman's parts for the rest of my career life. Unless a baby was coming out. The Obstetrics part, I loved. C-sections I also truly enjoyed, but surgery - not so much.

Here's a random piece of advice for you. If you are going in for laproscopic surgery at any point in the future - make sure you clean your belly button before you go! They'll clean it for you once you are knocked out and you would be amazed at what they find in some peoples' belly buttons. You don't want to be that person! haha :)


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Ok, in order to earn my way back on my Aunt's good side. She sent me a much better picture of her and the new hubby!
Tell me he doens't look like Old St. Nick! :)

movies, popcorn, and video games

photo taken from the Chico ER article

As many of you know, I grew up in the small town of Willows, California. A town where you graduate high school with the same kids you started kindergarten. The entire town has a total of 5 stoplights. It's like many other small towns in this regard, but the one thing that made Willows better than Orland (our high school rival) - was the fact that we had a movie theater (AMH opus theaters). A decent place to watch or rent movies. It's a small theater with 4 screens- theater 2 is the big theater where all the new top movies would always play. Theater 1 was smaller, but closer to a bathroom and theater 4 had a creepy mannequin in the back.
I grew up with that theater.

I most likely saw my first movie in a theater there (even though I was too young to remember).

According to my mom we watched the Little Mermaid enough times that by the end I was singing all the songs.

School field trips often ended up happening at AMH.

I slammed my thumb in my Aunt Ed's car out side of AMH and set it in a cup of ice, probably while still watching a movie.

My mom always liked the fact that you could buy regular sized candy bars, not just the king size ones.

In high school, we often walked to AMH from campus for lunch - pretzel with cheese and a medium diet vanilla pepsi (not the pre-made vanilla, but the vanilla that they would squirt in for you) was always my favorite

Getting into rated R movies before I was supposed to

Stolen kisses when the lights turned down low

My A. Ed tricked me into thinking we were going the night before to get tickets to the 1st Harry Potter movie and .... surprise we ended up watching the movie at a midnight showing the night before it opened!

The best Ms. Pac Man game in the entire world. It's awesome because it's a table top, not the kind that stands. I eventually made the high score board.

My A. Ed and I would walk down and play video games. You know the new touch screen video games where there are multiple games to play at once. Like find the differences in the pictures, or word search, etc. Well, I bet that you didn't know they have a dirty version of those games. Andy (the owner of AMH) turned off the sensor so A. Ed and I played the dirty version. (don't know if I ever told my parents that one)

AMH was a staple, a solid part of my childhood and the memories that I have of home. I am sad to say that Andy Houston, the owner recently passed away. He provided for Willows, so much more than movies. He was an icon and a wonderful friend to many. He was always at the theater, there was never a time when I was there without him stopping me to say hi.
I have pasted links to articles about his passing and the history of AMH below. He apparently rented videos out of his parents house before he opened the theater. He was always into movies and dreamed of owning his own theater. In recent years, it has been harder and harder for him to stay afloat, but Andy never gave up. He loved that theater it was his baby and his dream.

The community of Willows truly has suffered a great loss. Thank you Andy for all the memories.

chico er article
Willows journal article

Ho Ho Ho

Ho Ho Ho...On Dasher, On Dancer, On Comet and Blitzen...
That's the sound of Santa (said in an exciting kid voice)! And guess what?! Santa is now officially my Uncle. He's actually been my commonlaw uncle for quite some time now - dating back to me being in middle school - I think. Ok, what in the world am I talking about? Well, the family gossip of the year just exploded at my grandma's house. My Aunt Edwina (aka my 2nd mom and disneyland tea cup riding partner for life) got MARRIED!!!! You see my A. Ed married a man who looks just like Santa Claus.
"His eyes - how they twinkled! His dimples how merry! His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry! His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow, and the beard of his chin was as white as the snow...he had a broad face and a little round belly, that shook when he lauged like a bowlful of jelly. He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf" (from the night before x-mas)
You get the point. But he really does look like Santa. Right around now, he tends to wear red and children when out and about with their parents will stop and stare. Ahh...to still believe!
Very un-santa like though - they were married on my Aunt's favorite day of the year! October 31st (and yes we just found out like 2 days ago). I wish I had a picture of my new uncle to share, but as you can imagine he's quite busy this time of year. I will try to get one at x-mas after his work is all through, that I can bring back and share with you.

My A. Ed - pictured above. Who may very well take back my x-mas present for this post! haha
Love you Auntie Ed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

How do you like medical school?

Another week on L&D (labor & delivery) for me! Today the resident I was working with asked me, "So how do you like medical school?" I let out a small sarcastic laugh and a smile - knowing he would understand. It's not quite what I expected was my reply. In all honesty, I'm not really sure what I expected, but this wasn't it. I've thought about this many times before and there is a lot about medical school that is exciting and cool - as many of my posts end up being about such things. Yet, I don't think that I give you the full exposure to what it is really like.
So here's sort of my response and most likely somewhat rambling answer to "How do you like medical school?"

Sometimes I am amazed that at one point in my life I was practically begging for this opportunity. All I could think of was getting into medical school. I worked hard for 4 years and it all came down to applying and matriculating into medical school. People would say that the information is not hard, it is just the massive amount that is thrown at you. It's like being given a phone book and having to memorize it. Truly massive amounts of information that even if you studied everyday all day you still wouldn't know it all. It's impossible. Life in medical school is relatively unbalanced to say the least. There are feelings of guilt when not studying, because there is always more to do and more to learn. I am getting better and making time for me, but it still is difficult.

3rd year is better than 1st & 2nd year, because there is less book work and more time actually spent with patients. Yet, I am paying to work more than 40 hours a week and am still expected to be studying on top of that. Right now I'm lucky, because I really enjoy my attendings and residents. As a 3rd year you are lucky if you get along with your resident, because that person essentially becomes your best friend for the week. I spend more time (8+hrs per day) with the resident I work with than any other person in my life. My job is to follow them around. All day.

That's what you do as a 3rd year - you follow, try not to contaminate the sterile field in the operating room, and attempt to not appear out of place. You write notes and take histories, but it's all for practice and not really worth much. Some days you sit there and the doctor gets up to leave - do you follow them? or are they just going to the bathroom or going to get a piece of paper? If you don't follow - well then you may miss out on something, but if you do follow, well you may look like a little puppy dog following it's master. Right now I don't feel like a puppy dog. On this rotation the residents and attendings have been great and I feel more a part of the team.

I'm not trying to complain. I'm just trying to give you a better understanding of it all. This is what I want to do with the rest of my life - not the following part, but the medicine part. I cannot imagine doing anything else. You have to love it to survive and stay sane. I would never encourage anyone to go into medicine. No way. You have to really want it to put yourself through this. Heck, I'm lucky because of the 80hr work week law that was past for residents years ago.

Med school - it's tough, it's grueling, and some days it feels like a battle just to keep afloat. Yet on most days I am still glad to be here. I will survive, but in the end I will have been changed by this process. I just hope I can hang onto my idealism a little longer. 17.5 more months and I will have a long white coat. (Medical students wear short white coats and actual MD's get to wear long ones)