immature

It's funny, how I waited 4 years to finally have some responsibility.  To finally be able to write a note that didn't have to be rewritten by someone else, to finally be able to write for fluids or antibiotics and the patient actually get the fluids or medicine.  4 years!  It seemed so long, like the time would never come.

Well...the time has finally arrived.  During this last month working in the Emergency Department, I have given patients more morphine and dilaudid, than I ever imagined.  Ok, maybe not ever imagined, but A LOT.  It comes with the territory, the sickest, the ones in the most pain, the ones without insurance or primary care -they are the ones that end up in the Emergency Department.

The rotation was great - I got to get my hands dirty a do a few procedures.  I learned to think like an ER doc and got to know Sief's colleagues better.  It started to feel like a home away from home.  I was comfortable in the department and still am - which is good, because I'll be admitting a lot of patients from there soon enough.

The most humbling moment of my career happened behind those Emergency Department doors.  A moment that made me for the first time in a long time feel extremely young and unprepared.  I had a young patient, less than 50, who walked into the emergency department, but will not walk out.  I am not going to give details, but I left that night thinking, "I'm not mature enough or old enough to handle this." The weight of responsibility that is my profession finally hit.  Daily, people lay their lives in my hands, let me in on their deepest secrets, expose their most personal body parts, all because I wear a white coat and have M.D. after my name.  That's a big deal.  A responsibility I never took lightly, but also one I am unsure I will ever be able to fully grasp.

I need bigger, broader shoulders to carry certain memories with me.  I now know, some patient's will never leave my side.  They will not always be on my mind, but they will be living in my memories, right at the surface.  Time to time I will recall those patients, will reflect on the situation and remember.  Learn from those difficult patients, learn from the surprises, and learn from those who were saved and those that could not be.
As physicians we do not have al the answers.  We cannot save everyone.  There are higher powers and diseases too strong for modern medicine.

My job is to never be mature enough to handle certain obstacles that will appear in my career.  My job is to learn and grow, to embrace the opportunity to learn and to reflect.  I have sacrificed for my patients and some of my patients have and will make sacrifices for my continuing education.  I am privileged to have the honor of working in the field that I do.  Now it is my duty and joy to do the best that I can.